In Support of the Time Out

Most parents have heard of the “time out” – a technique for achieving obedience and reducing bad behaviour in your children by separating them from the family group or problem activity for a short period of time. There are people who oppose time outs for children on the basis that “isolation” can harm their overall well-being by making them feel unloved and unwanted. Based upon my own experience I disagree with this assessment.

Like most children, mine are intelligent, curious, playful, good-natured and kind. Also, like most children, mine lack world experience due to their very young age. They don’t know what can and can’t hurt them; therefore it is my job as a parent to keep them safe while providing them an abundance of opportunity to be independent and explore their environment. It’s a tough line to walk but for me the standard is “parent first, friend second”.

So I warn them but let them climb the chair knowing that they don’t have perfect balance and are going to fall off. I let them fight (just a little, before it gets out of control) so they learn how to resolve conflicts without adult intervention. I gently provide as much guidance as they are willing to accept and then I let them learn from the outcome of their own decisions.

But sometimes a firm hand is needed. That fight gets out of control, or they insist on climbing a less-than-sturdy table, or they’re overtired and can’t control their screaming and thrashing. At the end of the day my kids aren’t yet stable, independent adults – they’re just on their way there. Which mean it’s time for me to step in and control the situation.

The time out is a terrific tool because it is calm and authoritative without being an outright punishment. When one of my kids loses control of himself, I walk him to the corner of the room – away from toys and out of sight of the television and any distractions – tell him what he did to be put on a time out, and have him sit for 1-2 minutes to calm down.

Since toddlers can sometimes get into tantrums of extreme flailing rage, I stick around to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. The thing to remember is that young children lack the mental capacity to handle their frustrations, and often the only way they can express their frustration is by crying, screaming, and being physically violent. I don’t buy into people who say you can “talk it out” in every situation – children sometimes need to be given an opportunity to get their emotions out of their system before any reasonable conversation can take place. This is a major difference between a young child and a grown-up.

After he has been calm for those minutes we hug it out and talk about why we needed to take a time out. What is the underlying cause of this frustration or behaviour? If the conflict was with another child, we can get together and work through how to share, or play nicely, or whatever it was that caused the unwanted behaviour.

I’m finding as my oldest is approaching 4 years old, just warning him of a timeout is enough to have him stop and correct his behaviour, or at least have a conversation about why he is misbehaving. Very often it falls into one of three causes:

1. Jealous over attention given to a sibling
2. Being over-tired and in need of rest
3. A desire to become more independent, therefore testing his boundaries

In all cases it’s fine to be understanding, but as parents it is our job to maintain a safe and harmonious household. If the kids refuse to do as they’re told, you need to take immediate action to correct that. It may be something as harmless as playing in the living room where you can see them today, rather than in the hallway. But tomorrow, it may be something serious, such as telling them to stay close to you in a parking lot so they don’t get hit by a car. If they don’t listen to you now, why would they do it in a truly dangerous situation? Answer: They won’t.

So be prepared to back up what you say with discipline, and don’t ask them to do anything you aren’t willing to fight to get them to do because at some point your bluff will be called. That’s why I try to be as laid back as possible with my kids and I try to only tell them to do things when I’m really serious about having those things done. It’s hard work, but our children rely on us to be strong, consistent, and provide structure.

They’re growing up really fast, and I will always be that rock, that pillar of strength for my kids. I’ll pick my battles. And I’ll enjoy every minute of time I get with them.

2011 in Review

Every year I sit down and review the entire set of blog posts written over the past twelve months, admittedly not a lot this year. I make pledges to write more often even though I know I won’t, realistically; I will have spurts where I write every day and I will have spurts where I write nothing for months at a time.

It feels weird to be sitting here thinking about the changes that went by in the last year, and how much has changed in some regards while very little has changed in others. Last year at this time I was sitting 5 feet away from this spot, on the couch, facing east while reminiscing, this time I am facing south, but the room is unchanged aside from a new couch where the old once was.

I’m thinking about what it was like to share in my wife’s third pregnancy; after the second felt so very rushed, the third seemed more real to me in a lot of ways because I was able to slow down and take in all of the sights and sounds as it were. There were some scary moments but we had a beautiful baby boy in February, got ejected from the hospital during the worst snowstorm of the year (it took hours to drive home) and went back that night when I experienced a kidney stone – a horrifyingly painful experience I don’t wish upon anybody. Now Ben is almost a year old, starting to walk, slowly switching to milk and food; and I’m taking advantage of the rare quiet of a nap time to go over my thoughts and appreciate just how fast the year has gone by.

Before the birth, I thought about what might be useful to parents who need a babysitter – the result was Babysitter Buddy – a website that prompts parents for emergency contact numbers and other important details that a babysitter should know; it’s a useful way to make sure nothing gets forgotten so you can go have fun and know that the person that you’ve left your children in the care of will know everything your kids need to get through the night. Next year I want to re-visit it and improve the interface, make it a bit friendlier and easier to use, now that I’ve had some time away and can approach it objectively again.

2011 had a lot of highs and lows. There were the cute moments that put everything into perspective and remind us why growing a family is so important. There were the nights of frustration and lost sleep that make you want to start scratching days into the wall to count down the time before they turn 18 and move out. We tried new things like having the kids help out with chores and revisited our old standby, the cloth diaper. We’re back on disposables now; cloth is a lot of work when you have three non-stop potty machines on the go.

What’s next for 2012? All three kids will be walking, the oldest may finally be big enough to fit into a booster seat, and we’re going to look for ways to get more involved in our community. By focusing on the core five of us and contributing to the neighbourhood, I want to strengthen our family bonds and give our kids a healthier and happy foundation to begin their school careers (in 2013!).

Introducing Babysitter Buddy

We’ve been busy! I’m proud to announce the launch of Babysitter Buddy, a tool for parents to help caregivers understand the best routines as well as food and medical needs for their children.

We’ve all written out lists of phone numbers, food preparation instructions and bedtime habits – Babysitter Buddy makes this process better by prompting with common information babysitters might need. Parents can be sure they haven’t gone away and forgotten some critical piece of information.

Check it out at http://www.babysitterbuddy.com – if you choose to sign up be sure to sign up for the mailing list for more hints, tips and safety advice.

The Third Pregnancy

Around this time last year, I mused about how we felt like we were speeding through my wife’s second pregnancy. Well, here we go again! If we thought the second pregnancy flew by, this one is already halfway through and we’re still too busy running around after the first two kids to sit down and appreciate what’s happening.

In some ways, it feels like we’re becoming old hands at this. Milestones that were huge surprises with the first and second are now met with a “been there, done that” feeling. The first two pregnancies were polar opposite, this third one is a lot like a mixture of the first two.

In other ways, having a third child is giving us a new baseline to compare the growth of our first two children. My son and daughter are already learning different things at different speeds, so I am really looking forward to seeing what areas the new baby will excel in and in which they will advance more slowly than their siblings.

One thing that I’ve really learned through all this is: There is no “normal”. Depending on the moment, “professional” opinions about my first two kid’s development have been radically different, from “your child is slow” to “your child is well ahead of the curve”. On the third go, we’re a lot more comfortable going with our own sensibilities rather than letting other people dictate how we should raise our children.

It’s Easier to Raise Kids with Positivity

There’s been a big change in our household this month, and it is all thanks to a small change in the way we express ourselves. Rather than saying “Don’t throw your food”, we say “The food stays on the table”. Rather than “Don’t hit mommy”, we say “We keep our hands to ourselves”.

Not surprisingly, our son reacts more favorably when we take this approach. If there’s one thing a toddler doesn’t like to hear, it’s the word “NO”. When you tell your child they can’t do something, it’s up to them to figure out what they can do; a young child doesn’t have the capacity to figure that out on their own, so they are more likely to act out.

Telling our son what he can do has made all the difference in the world. When we say “We keep our hands to ourselves” he knows exactly what’s expected of him. “We sit on the couch” is much more understandable than “Don’t stand on the couch”. By including an acceptable action (sitting), we’re implicitly excluding actions we don’t want him doing (like jumping, dancing or standing).

Aside from our son’s improved behaviour, we’re finding the positivity floats into other areas of our lives with our langing shifting to phrases like “We should get something else” rather than “We can’t afford that”. Overall, it’s improved our moods and reactions to everything around us; the change has been extraordinary.

Next time you’re about to tell your child not to dump sand out of the sandbox, take a second to think about the way you’re expressing your wishes. You’re really asking is for your child to keep the sand inside the sandbox. Before long, this kind of thinking and the benefits it can bring will come naturally.