photo credit: DonkeyHotey

Most parents have heard of the “time out” – a technique for achieving obedience and reducing bad behaviour in your children by separating them from the family group or problem activity for a short period of time. There are people who oppose time outs for children on the basis that “isolation” can harm their overall well-being by making them feel unloved and unwanted. Based upon my own experience I disagree with this assessment.

Like most children, mine are intelligent, curious, playful, good-natured and kind. Also, like most children, mine lack world experience due to their very young age. They don’t know what can and can’t hurt them; therefore it is my job as a parent to keep them safe while providing them an abundance of opportunity to be independent and explore their environment. It’s a tough line to walk but for me the standard is “parent first, friend second”.

So I warn them but let them climb the chair knowing that they don’t have perfect balance and are going to fall off. I let them fight (just a little, before it gets out of control) so they learn how to resolve conflicts without adult intervention. I gently provide as much guidance as they are willing to accept and then I let them learn from the outcome of their own decisions.

But sometimes a firm hand is needed. That fight gets out of control, or they insist on climbing a less-than-sturdy table, or they’re overtired and can’t control their screaming and thrashing. At the end of the day my kids aren’t yet stable, independent adults – they’re just on their way there. Which mean it’s time for me to step in and control the situation.

The time out is a terrific tool because it is calm and authoritative without being an outright punishment. When one of my kids loses control of himself, I walk him to the corner of the room – away from toys and out of sight of the television and any distractions – tell him what he did to be put on a time out, and have him sit for 1-2 minutes to calm down.

Since toddlers can sometimes get into tantrums of extreme flailing rage, I stick around to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. The thing to remember is that young children lack the mental capacity to handle their frustrations, and often the only way they can express their frustration is by crying, screaming, and being physically violent. I don’t buy into people who say you can “talk it out” in every situation – children sometimes need to be given an opportunity to get their emotions out of their system before any reasonable conversation can take place. This is a major difference between a young child and a grown-up.

After he has been calm for those minutes we hug it out and talk about why we needed to take a time out. What is the underlying cause of this frustration or behaviour? If the conflict was with another child, we can get together and work through how to share, or play nicely, or whatever it was that caused the unwanted behaviour.

I’m finding as my oldest is approaching 4 years old, just warning him of a timeout is enough to have him stop and correct his behaviour, or at least have a conversation about why he is misbehaving. Very often it falls into one of three causes:

1. Jealous over attention given to a sibling
2. Being over-tired and in need of rest
3. A desire to become more independent, therefore testing his boundaries

In all cases it’s fine to be understanding, but as parents it is our job to maintain a safe and harmonious household. If the kids refuse to do as they’re told, you need to take immediate action to correct that. It may be something as harmless as playing in the living room where you can see them today, rather than in the hallway. But tomorrow, it may be something serious, such as telling them to stay close to you in a parking lot so they don’t get hit by a car. If they don’t listen to you now, why would they do it in a truly dangerous situation? Answer: They won’t.

So be prepared to back up what you say with discipline, and don’t ask them to do anything you aren’t willing to fight to get them to do because at some point your bluff will be called. That’s why I try to be as laid back as possible with my kids and I try to only tell them to do things when I’m really serious about having those things done. It’s hard work, but our children rely on us to be strong, consistent, and provide structure.

They’re growing up really fast, and I will always be that rock, that pillar of strength for my kids. I’ll pick my battles. And I’ll enjoy every minute of time I get with them.

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It feels weird to be sitting here thinking about the changes that went by in the last year, and how much has changed in some regards while very little has changed in others. Last year at this time I was sitting 5 feet away from this spot, on the couch, facing east while reminiscing, this time I am facing south, but the room is unchanged aside from a new couch where the old once was.

I’m thinking about what it was like to share in my wife’s third pregnancy; after the second felt so very rushed, the third seemed more real to me in a lot of ways because I was able to slow down and take in all of the sights and sounds as it were. There were some scary moments but we had a beautiful baby boy in February, got ejected from the hospital during the worst snowstorm of the year (it took hours to drive home) and went back that night when I experienced a kidney stone – a horrifyingly painful experience I don’t wish upon anybody. Now Ben is almost a year old, starting to walk, slowly switching to milk and food; and I’m taking advantage of the rare quiet of a nap time to go over my thoughts and appreciate just how fast the year has gone by.

Before the birth, I thought about what might be useful to parents who need a babysitter – the result was Babysitter Buddy – a website that prompts parents for emergency contact numbers and other important details that a babysitter should know; it’s a useful way to make sure nothing gets forgotten so you can go have fun and know that the person that you’ve left your children in the care of will know everything your kids need to get through the night. Next year I want to re-visit it and improve the interface, make it a bit friendlier and easier to use, now that I’ve had some time away and can approach it objectively again.

2011 had a lot of highs and lows. There were the cute moments that put everything into perspective and remind us why growing a family is so important. There were the nights of frustration and lost sleep that make you want to start scratching days into the wall to count down the time before they turn 18 and move out. We tried new things like having the kids help out with chores and revisited our old standby, the cloth diaper. We’re back on disposables now; cloth is a lot of work when you have three non-stop potty machines on the go.

What’s next for 2012? All three kids will be walking, the oldest may finally be big enough to fit into a booster seat, and we’re going to look for ways to get more involved in our community. By focusing on the core five of us and contributing to the neighbourhood, I want to strengthen our family bonds and give our kids a healthier and happy foundation to begin their school careers (in 2013!).

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2. It’s Easier to Raise Kids with Positivity
3. Introducing Babysitter Buddy

photo credit: kthypryn

We’ve been busy! I’m proud to announce the launch of Babysitter Buddy, a tool for parents to help caregivers understand the best routines as well as food and medical needs for their children.

We’ve all written out lists of phone numbers, food preparation instructions and bedtime habits – Babysitter Buddy makes this process better by prompting with common information babysitters might need. Parents can be sure they haven’t gone away and forgotten some critical piece of information.

Check it out at http://www.babysitterbuddy.com – if you choose to sign up be sure to sign up for the mailing list for more hints, tips and safety advice.

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In some ways, it feels like we’re becoming old hands at this. Milestones that were huge surprises with the first and second are now met with a “been there, done that” feeling. The first two pregnancies were polar opposite, this third one is a lot like a mixture of the first two.

In other ways, having a third child is giving us a new baseline to compare the growth of our first two children. My son and daughter are already learning different things at different speeds, so I am really looking forward to seeing what areas the new baby will excel in and in which they will advance more slowly than their siblings.

One thing that I’ve really learned through all this is: There is no “normal”. Depending on the moment, “professional” opinions about my first two kid’s development have been radically different, from “your child is slow” to “your child is well ahead of the curve”. On the third go, we’re a lot more comfortable going with our own sensibilities rather than letting other people dictate how we should raise our children.

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photo credit: hunterseakerhk

Not surprisingly, our son reacts more favorably when we take this approach. If there’s one thing a toddler doesn’t like to hear, it’s the word “NO”. When you tell your child they can’t do something, it’s up to them to figure out what they can do; a young child doesn’t have the capacity to figure that out on their own, so they are more likely to act out.

Telling our son what he can do has made all the difference in the world. When we say “We keep our hands to ourselves” he knows exactly what’s expected of him. “We sit on the couch” is much more understandable than “Don’t stand on the couch”. By including an acceptable action (sitting), we’re implicitly excluding actions we don’t want him doing (like jumping, dancing or standing).

Aside from our son’s improved behaviour, we’re finding the positivity floats into other areas of our lives with our langing shifting to phrases like “We should get something else” rather than “We can’t afford that”. Overall, it’s improved our moods and reactions to everything around us; the change has been extraordinary.

Next time you’re about to tell your child not to dump sand out of the sandbox, take a second to think about the way you’re expressing your wishes. You’re really asking is for your child to keep the sand inside the sandbox. Before long, this kind of thinking and the benefits it can bring will come naturally.

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My son looks at me and smiles, then looks to his Mom. He raises his foot to take a step, then sets it down and looks at each of us again. Finally he yells “BAD!!!” as he turns and runs as far away as he can get from either of us.

My son doesn’t take sides.

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photo credit: quinn.anya

The second pregnancy is a big step in your life as a parent as well as in the life of your first born. On one hand you are embarking on a familiar journey and have a sense of what you can expect, while on the other hand you have a new set of responsibilities to juggle as you make the transition and become a larger family.

Am I Missing Out on the Pregnancy?

It takes a lot of resources – both financial and time – to raise a child. With all those demands constantly pressing on your time you may feel like you’re “missing out” on the new pregnancy. Many second-time parents fear that they will not bond as strongly with the new baby because so much of their time is taken up.

Will I Love One Child More Than The Other?

Many parents fear they will not love the new baby as much as their older child, or that the older child will feel replaced or unwanted. The older child is starting to become more independent and needs less hands-on time, but will they feel completely shut out when there is a new infant taking all of tired mom’s energies?

Safe Transitions

The best way to proceed will of course depend on the temperament and age of your oldest child. You can explain to a five year old what is going on and involve them in planning and decorating for the new baby, but a two-year-old won’t have the same level of comprehension – they can tell “something” is changing, but need to be carefully handled so they don’t wake up one morning and lose their room, lose horseback-mommy, and have to learn all new routines.

Much like the first pregnancy, they key to a comfortable transition is beginning early. No one gets a right to complain – mother nature gives us nine months to get our things in order and prepare for the change in our lives. Second-time (and third-time and fourth-time) parents have an ace up their sleeve in that they already know what to expect when bringing home an infant.

Stop. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now go and enjoy this amazing time!

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Certainly the main goal for this blog is to share with other parents some of the tricks I learn and discover as I go through this journey, but it’s sometimes difficult to know when I’ve focused the discussion too much on myself and my own thoughts (except, of course, for this particular entry).

This web site is certainly not a journal by any definition, but in some ways it is journal-like because the topics I write about tend to be the ones I’m dealing with at the moment. My intent is to make you better, dear reader. So if I go on too much about myself please tell me in the kindest way possible.

This is where I should promise to write more often and get back to my regular daily posting schedule. The problem is many bloggers will do that and then not post. So here’s to the spirit of posting regularly, and let’s see that it happens!

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The chances of actually losing your child are very slim – most of the time children are drawn to flashy or noisy distractions like mall fountains or those ride-on trains. As my own little one starts to take his first steps I can only look forward to the stress that is bound to be heading my way…

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1. Talk About Money as Soon as Possible

Since money and finance is such a huge part of successfully navigating the “real world”, we would be remiss not to start talking about money the minute our children begin to count.

2. Maintain a Weekly Allowance

There are a lot of conflicting views about whether or not an allowance should be directly tied to work done around the house. I don’t like the idea of paying my children to help around the house – chores and cleaning come with the territory of being contributing members of the household, which are lessons I believe linking with an allowance would detract from.

Remember: An allowance should never be a tool used to punish since it is so important to teach children about planning and managing their money. By making it something that can be taken away when the child misbehaves, we lower it to the objective level of a video game or favourite toy – sending the message that money is no more important than other possessions.

3. Respect Money

Children learn best by imitation. You don’t have to share details of your financial situation with your children in order for them to pick up on your habits – if you save your money and don’t buy items you can’t afford, your children will pick up on it; likewise if you are prone to buy the latest goods using your credit card, that will come to be ingrained in the minds of your children.

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Prepare Early
If you take the time to prepare any necessary items and place them by the door in the evening, you will have more time in the morning to spend with your child. Make your lunch in the evening, bag it and put it in the fridge so you don’t have to wake up and prepare food. Even breakfast cereal can be pre-measured so all you need to do is add milk to eat.

Do What You Enjoy
More than ever, now is the perfect time in your life to find out what you enjoy doing and get out there to do it. It’s discouraging enough to spend nine hours a day away from your family; if you’re stuck doing something you don’t enjoy, you are forever losing a big part of your life that you will never get back. Take care of yourself and your needs, and you will be better focused to take care of your family’s needs.

Leave Work at Work
If you are the type of person who is used to bringing home work, now might be a good time to take a step back and leave unfinished projects at the office. Since family time is reduced by work during the week, your “homework” is to squeeze every last moment of togetherness out of the evening.

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The dad experience has a heavy cost associated with it, as well. Although many families are headed by two working parents, very often the woman finds herself in the mommy trap – bumped from the corporate ladder due to family commitments or a reduction in working hours. Some mothers feel strongly about staying home to raise their child and don’t return to work. For those families, the father finds himself becoming the primary or even sole provider.

Especially in rough economic times, the pressure to bring home enough money to feed, clothe and shelter an entire family can seem like a heavy burden to bear. As a father, how do you handle the stress and keep an optimistic front?

You’re In This Together
The first thing to remember is that you are not alone, even if you feel isolated by your responsibility. Mothers experience similar issues: imagine being alone with a newborn all day. Not only is she responsible to care for this little life, but at every moment she has to guess what the baby needs, wants, or is hurt by since the baby cannot tell her what is wrong. She has to learn when the baby is crying for food or crying in pain. If she is home all day while you are at work, she has to learn to fend for herself and get used to her radically different, more isolated life – you get to remain surrounded by the same people as before during the day and only have adjust to a new home life.

We Always Get Better
As time goes on you will become more comfortable in your role as a father and provider. You will make more money. If you hit a rough spot and lose your job, you will find another. Humans, by their very nature, find ways of improving things as life goes on.

You Are Needed
You are not required to be invincible or a mountain of strength, but you are a pillar in your family. Even more than what you can provide, your family needs and wants you in their lives. You don’t need to have all the answers, you just need to have a place in your heart for them.

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Four months later the baby has moved out of our room and into his own crib. That was another big step and a story for another time but suffice it to say the nighttime routine in our house has changed often and dramatically over the past year.

Sometime between 4-7 months, children begin to develop a sense of object permanence – the idea that when something is out of sight, it still exists.  This is basically when your child learns there is only one of you – that when you leave the room you don’t disappear entirely. (What happens before that?  Perhaps the child believes you stop existing?  I wonder how that works on a practical level.)

Today, bed time involves realizing the baby is tired and putting them to bed at the right time.  If we do this too early we have to console a crying baby.  If we do it too late, the baby works himself into such a frenzy of tears he has no idea what’s going on.  As long as he goes to bed on time, the crying only lasts for a few minutes until he realizes he is tired and passes out. Usually.

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How can we know when something is truly wrong with our baby? I hate to say it, but as parents sometimes we just know. Often, however, we don’t. However, there are a number of things we can do to try to determine the severity of our children’s condition without the need for outside help.

1. Change the Baby’s Diaper
Very often children complain of even the slightest wetness. We certainly don’t want to sit around in wet clothes and they don’t either. Some children love to urinate shortly after being changed – so even if the baby has just been put in a new diaper, check to make sure they are still dry.

Photo by yoshimov

2. Offer Food
Has time elapsed since the last feeding? It is very important to measure time intervals between feedings to ensure baby gets enough needed nutrients to grow.

Not yet feeding time? Children who are experiencing growth spurts came feed as frequently as every 1-2 hours. If this is the case the child will certainly get hungry and fussy.

3. Sooth the Baby
Most babies react well to a soothing womb-like environment. Take the baby in your arms and make ‘shh-shh’ noises. This could be enough to pacify them.

4. Bundle Up Baby
Much like elderly adults, babies require more layers in order to keep warm. Our rule of thumb is baby wears 1 more layer of clothing than mom and dad. The crying baby may be cold in an otherwise warm room.

5. Try Putting Baby to Sleep
Babies set their sleeping routine and can generally be trusted to sleep (or to not sleep) at specific times. If there have been a lot of car rides or other disruptions in routine, the baby may be feeling over-tired. 3-5 minutes in the crib or bassinet should determine this – a tired baby will usually soothe themselves to sleep in this amount of time. Be careful not to let them “cry it out” – if it takes longer than a few minutes the baby may not be tired enough to sleep, or they may have an entirely different problem.

6. Our Condolences for Parents of Colicky Babies
Some babies suffer from colic – a condition that results from excessive gas causing severe abdominal pain in otherwise healthy infants. About 20% of babies are reported to be colicky; this is torture for both parent and baby. There are many folk remedies such as peppermint, placing the baby in a swing, feeding only warm milk, etc; however, colicky babies eventually grow out of this phase, normally by the 20th week. Hang in there!

7. Check for Rashes or Skin Irritations
Sometimes the crying baby is having an allergic reaction to something in her environment. Check your baby for any tell-tale skin rashes or marks that could be indicative of a deeper problem.

8. Take the Baby for a Car Ride
The vibration in the back seat of the car can put the baby to sleep. The rising cost of gas gives some parents pause to try this – putting the baby in their car seat on top of a washing machine can have a similar effect, just make sure to keep a hand on the seat at all times to prevent the baby from falling to the floor.

9. Take a Break
A baby that won’t stop crying can be frustrating – but it is critically important that parents keep their cool and never shake their crying baby. If someone feels like they are being pushed to the breaking point by baby’s crying, have them put down the baby and go to another room or just outside for a few minutes. The baby may not stop crying, but the adult will be better able to handle the situation.

10. Let Them Cry
Sometimes there is nothing wrong and babies just want to cry. There are many reasons for this – for example the baby may be comforted by the sound of their voice. Especially in newborns, crying clears and exercises the lungs and is essential to normal development. Remember that the goal is not to stop the baby’s crying (although we might wish they did!), but rather to provide for the baby’s needs.

11. Ask for Help
If you are fortunate enough to have relatives nearby or public resources, ask them for suggestions. They may have more ideas that are not on the list, or someone may have encountered the same situation before and will know what to do. If totally unsure, seek medical advice – it doesn’t hurt to be too careful with baby’s health and safety.

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This is a time of new demands and responsibilities. That cry is incessant – you don’t want your baby to cry because you know it can lead to feelings of abandonment and increase the risk of SIDS.  But if you have to go to the bathroom, go.

If your bladder is empty, you are going to be more attentive to your child’s needs than if you have the bathroom on your mind.  It can take less than a minute, but have huge effects on your relationship with your baby.

Take the time to eat a meal, even if it involves running back and forth to settle baby.  If you are hungry you are not operating at the top of your game.  If mommy/daddy are over exhausted and hungry they quite simply cannot be 100% there for the baby.

Don’t let your baby cry.  But don’t be afraid to take 15 seconds to take care of your own needs.  We naturally put our children’s needs ahead of our own, and we should, but we have to remember that we’re still people and we can better take care of our children if we ourselves are taken care of.

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