The Parent's Nook » Toddlers

In Support of the Time Out

mwilson — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:07:25 +0000

Most parents have heard of the “time out” – a technique for achieving obedience and reducing bad behaviour in your children by separating them from the family group or problem activity for a short period of time. There are people who oppose time outs for children on the basis that “isolation” can harm their overall well-being by making them feel unloved and unwanted. Based upon my own experience I disagree with this assessment.

Like most children, mine are intelligent, curious, playful, good-natured and kind. Also, like most children, mine lack world experience due to their very young age. They don’t know what can and can’t hurt them; therefore it is my job as a parent to keep them safe while providing them an abundance of opportunity to be independent and explore their environment. It’s a tough line to walk but for me the standard is “parent first, friend second”.

So I warn them but let them climb the chair knowing that they don’t have perfect balance and are going to fall off. I let them fight (just a little, before it gets out of control) so they learn how to resolve conflicts without adult intervention. I gently provide as much guidance as they are willing to accept and then I let them learn from the outcome of their own decisions.

But sometimes a firm hand is needed. That fight gets out of control, or they insist on climbing a less-than-sturdy table, or they’re overtired and can’t control their screaming and thrashing. At the end of the day my kids aren’t yet stable, independent adults – they’re just on their way there. Which mean it’s time for me to step in and control the situation.

The time out is a terrific tool because it is calm and authoritative without being an outright punishment. When one of my kids loses control of himself, I walk him to the corner of the room – away from toys and out of sight of the television and any distractions – tell him what he did to be put on a time out, and have him sit for 1-2 minutes to calm down.

Since toddlers can sometimes get into tantrums of extreme flailing rage, I stick around to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. The thing to remember is that young children lack the mental capacity to handle their frustrations, and often the only way they can express their frustration is by crying, screaming, and being physically violent. I don’t buy into people who say you can “talk it out” in every situation – children sometimes need to be given an opportunity to get their emotions out of their system before any reasonable conversation can take place. This is a major difference between a young child and a grown-up.

After he has been calm for those minutes we hug it out and talk about why we needed to take a time out. What is the underlying cause of this frustration or behaviour? If the conflict was with another child, we can get together and work through how to share, or play nicely, or whatever it was that caused the unwanted behaviour.

I’m finding as my oldest is approaching 4 years old, just warning him of a timeout is enough to have him stop and correct his behaviour, or at least have a conversation about why he is misbehaving. Very often it falls into one of three causes:

Jealous over attention given to a sibling
Being over-tired and in need of rest
A desire to become more independent, therefore testing his boundaries

In all cases it’s fine to be understanding, but as parents it is our job to maintain a safe and harmonious household. If the kids refuse to do as they’re told, you need to take immediate action to correct that. It may be something as harmless as playing in the living room where you can see them today, rather than in the hallway. But tomorrow, it may be something serious, such as telling them to stay close to you in a parking lot so they don’t get hit by a car. If they don’t listen to you now, why would they do it in a truly dangerous situation? Answer: They won’t.

So be prepared to back up what you say with discipline, and don’t ask them to do anything you aren’t willing to fight to get them to do because at some point your bluff will be called. That’s why I try to be as laid back as possible with my kids and I try to only tell them to do things when I’m really serious about having those things done. It’s hard work, but our children rely on us to be strong, consistent, and provide structure.

They’re growing up really fast, and I will always be that rock, that pillar of strength for my kids. I’ll pick my battles. And I’ll enjoy every minute of time I get with them.

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What to do When Your Child Eats a Wild Mushroom

mwilson — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 01:14:52 +0000

photo credit: Gonmi

We were outside raking and suddenly my daughter picked a mushroom from the ground and popped it into her mouth before we could say ‘NO!’. Sometimes being within arms reach just isn’t enough – those little people are fast!

Don’t panic. In our case we were raking around a pine tree and the mushrooms we have a probably not poisonous. But it’s impossible to tell unless you’re a mycologist, and even then it is common for poisonous and non-poisonous species to grow in the same area. The toxic spores can get metabolized inside a child’s body rapidly, and some fungi are capable of killing within hours.

Here’s what to do when your child has eaten an unknown mushroom:

Don’t panic. Rushing and getting upset will not help the situation, could scare your child, and could lead to hazardous mistakes. Even the most deadly mushrooms take time to do their work, and hallucinogenic spores will make your child loopy but you will reach the hospital in time to prevent serious complications. Don’t panic.
Only if your child is in distress – call 911. If your child is having trouble breathing, their pulse is weak or jumpy, or they are suddenly lethargic, this is a medical emergency and you are right to call the paramedics. If your child is business-as-usual so far, you can prepare to bring them to the hospital yourself.
Call poison control (not 911). Notify poison control that your child has swallowed a potentially harmful fungus and that you are proceeding to the nearest hospital. They will assess the situation and will call the hospital on your behalf to announce your arrival. If you are in Canada, the provincial poison control phone numbers can be found here.
Load your child into the car and drive to the nearest hospital. Monitor your child’s condition and if a medical emergency develops pull over and call 911 for help.
Do not present any food or water to the child until the doctor gives the green light.

Everything worked out well with my daughter. Since we live in the country it took a good 45 minutes to drive to the hospital where they were waiting to rush us through triage and straight to see the doctor. I had to hold her down while they administered charcoal, which binds to any toxins that might have been ingested with the mushrooms so they get passed rather than absorbed into her body. It was horrible, thick, messy stuff – but despite gagging and struggling she didn’t have any trouble keeping it down. Afterward we stayed for a few hours for observation and were released with no further problems.

Chores With a Child

rwilson — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 15:01:14 +0000

photo credit: Laurel Fan

So today I decided I was going to throw caution to the wind and let my almost three year old help me with my housework. You know my hat goes off to mothers that take the time to include their kids in this but I am not one of those women cut out to redo a chore multiple times.

It started with cleaning of the table after breakfast. I asked my son to put the bowls and cups in the sink. While I was busy changing my 14 month olds diaper I had not realized he put everything in the trash. So out of the trash and into the sink the dishes went. Then it was off to sort some clothes. Oh boy I need to warn you I hate doing laundry every aspect of it in fact whenever possible hubby does it for me. Everything was folded just needed to be sorted and put into the appropriate room. Well we got to sorting it then I closed the door and went back to the chore later on cause every item that was once folded was now unfolded.

We also attempted the clean up game for his toys and then I gave up. So maybe once he’s a little older I can try again or maybe I should start small like helping me clean the windows but I will definitely only let him help me with one task a day till he gets the hang of things. I will remember to have lots of time for the chore and not be in a rush as well as have an extra patch of patience.

So to all you moms and dads out there, it’s an adventure when your child wants to help with housework but it makes then happy and there’s nothing like a smile on their face.

What Connects us to the Sun?

mwilson — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 03:21:02 +0000

From the mind of our two-year old:

Dylan: Mommy, turn on the lights.
Mom: We don’t need to turn on the lights, because the sun is a big lamp that lights up the inside and the outside.
Dylan: Where is the switch?

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Video Games Affect Small Children

mwilson — Sun, 26 Sep 2010 01:19:49 +0000

My brother gave me an XBox 360- for my birthday this year and I was excited to give it a try. I hooked it up, tossed in my copy of Grand Theft Auto 4, and played while my son – two years old and a hot wheels fanatic – watched on. When my wife walked by, he explained to her “Dad is playing cars!”

photo credit: shaymus22

It seemed like a neat bonding activity. As I drove by a truck my son would point and say “Play with that truck!”, so I would exit my vehicle, smash the window of the truck and climb in. He encouraged me to do everything from tearing down straight roads as fast as possible, performing trick jumps, and fantastically crashing into other vehicles.

The next day I noticed a big change in my son. His regular car play had changed from driving them gently back and forth across his toy box to throwing them at the wall and yelling “Boom, boom, boom! Like dad!” When it came to playing with other children, his new game was to take their toys cars only to throw them at the wall. In a single session, I had taught my son to play aggressively.

Is the game studio who developed the game responsible for my son’s behaviour? I would say NO. As parents we need to be aware of how our children understand and process what they see and hear on television and from us.

As for our own video games, we’re taking more time to explain and make sure my son understands what he is witnessing. When we play cars, the emphasis is on sharing and understanding how other people feel when we behave certain ways. I’m happy to say my son is rehabilitated; but I’ve learned that some things that are just entertainment for me are subtle templates of understanding for my son. I can only hope I fill his head with enough positive lessons while he’s still young enough and interested enough in what I am doing.

It’s Easier to Raise Kids with Positivity

mwilson — Sat, 22 May 2010 17:58:41 +0000

There’s been a big change in our household this month, and it is all thanks to a small change in the way we express ourselves. Rather than saying “Don’t throw your food”, we say “The food stays on the table”. Rather than “Don’t hit mommy”, we say “We keep our hands to ourselves”.

photo credit: hunterseakerhk

Not surprisingly, our son reacts more favorably when we take this approach. If there’s one thing a toddler doesn’t like to hear, it’s the word “NO”. When you tell your child they can’t do something, it’s up to them to figure out what they can do; a young child doesn’t have the capacity to figure that out on their own, so they are more likely to act out.

Telling our son what he can do has made all the difference in the world. When we say “We keep our hands to ourselves” he knows exactly what’s expected of him. “We sit on the couch” is much more understandable than “Don’t stand on the couch”. By including an acceptable action (sitting), we’re implicitly excluding actions we don’t want him doing (like jumping, dancing or standing).

Aside from our son’s improved behaviour, we’re finding the positivity floats into other areas of our lives with our langing shifting to phrases like “We should get something else” rather than “We can’t afford that”. Overall, it’s improved our moods and reactions to everything around us; the change has been extraordinary.

Next time you’re about to tell your child not to dump sand out of the sandbox, take a second to think about the way you’re expressing your wishes. You’re really asking is for your child to keep the sand inside the sandbox. Before long, this kind of thinking and the benefits it can bring will come naturally.

How a Thermos Makes Bottle Time Easier

Transitioning A Toddler to a New Baby

mwilson — Sun, 28 Mar 2010 01:21:09 +0000

If you have a young child at home and a new baby on the way, what can you do to ease the transition to a larger family?

We had this delima and decided on a few things we wanted to accomplish: First, don’t surprise the child with a new sibling – start talking about it as soon as possible; second, don’t move the child to a new room when the baby comes because it will confuse them and make them feel like they’ve lost their comfort zone; finally, make the child feel included in the new baby process so they (hopefully) aren’t resentful when you come home with your new bundle of joy.

Preparations

In our case, the first thing I did was clear out the room I had been using as my office and I painted it a deep relaxing blue for my son. We were moving him to the bigger room because his old room (the nursery) is attached to our own and we would definitely be needing it for the baby. This was done around the 5th month of the pregnancy, so Dylan was able to see changes starting in his mom and start to get to know his new room.

It took about two weeks to do the room since I had a number of repairs to make and wasn’t in a particular rush; it was a fun adventure for him to see the unfolding progress. Finally, I moved his crib and belongings over and let him take a nap in the crib. He was a little confused at first b ut because the situation was non-confrontational it ended up being quite relaxinbg for him.

Next I started on the nursery; tearing down the old decorations and painting it bright and girly. My son was more upset over these changes because it was starting to hit home that the older, smaller room was no longer his. At some point it hit home for him – the change was real.

Meanwhile my wife’s tummy was getting bigger and she was beginning to transition into carrying him less. That was a harder battle to fight because he began to sense that something big was happening and he wanted to be comforted; however, we knew she soon would be physically unable to spend time carrying him – it turned out to be a good decision in the end.

The Delivery

When it was finally time for the new baby to arrive, I had my mother come down and watch my son so we could focus our energy on the labour and know that Dylan was safe. My wife’s parents would also have been more than happy to take him for us, but it was important to us that he remain home in his comfortable environment. We’re very fortunate to have such a close and supportive family.

Brother and Sister Finally Meet

Four hours after the baby was born, my mother brought Dylan to the hospital to he could meet his new sister. We’d been talking about her for so long, it was nice to see that he actually seemed to understand what he was looking at. It was a sweet family moment that I was happy we were able to share. Thanks Mom!

Aside from meeting his sister, we made sure to have a present ready for him so he would know he was still important to us. Overall it was a very smooth experience.

Settling In

It wasn’t all fun and games, of course. Once we brought the baby home there was an adjustment period. It was one thing to meet his sister in the hospital but Dylan wasn’t so pleased with the situation once there was a screaming baby sharing the house (and mom and dad) with him. Three days away from his parents took a toll and while he was very well behaved for my mother, he was generally inconsolable once we returned. Remember that he is only two years old – he was so happy to have us home but didn’t know how to control his emotions.

It’s been a few weeks now, and we’ve largely settled back to routine. Dylan has accepted Katrina as a permanent fixture of the house and treats her carefully and compassionately. When she cries, he seeks us to soothe her. When we feed her, he gently kisses her forehead. Adding a new member to the family is a major life event but it doesn’t have to be traumatic.

Baby Will Never Choose

mwilson — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:17:07 +0000

Both child gates were closed; my wife behind one and I behind the other. I notice my son was standing between us so I say to him “Come over to Dad. Come to the one you love best.”

My son looks at me and smiles, then looks to his Mom. He raises his foot to take a step, then sets it down and looks at each of us again. Finally he yells “BAD!!!” as he turns and runs as far away as he can get from either of us.

My son doesn’t take sides.

Online Walk of Shame

mwilson — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:20:45 +0000

While writing The Parent’s Nook, I struggle to find balance between my desire to share the exciting things going on with my own child’s development, and the desire to keep the tone of the site somewhat neutral.

Certainly the main goal for this blog is to share with other parents some of the tricks I learn and discover as I go through this journey, but it’s sometimes difficult to know when I’ve focused the discussion too much on myself and my own thoughts (except, of course, for this particular entry).

This web site is certainly not a journal by any definition, but in some ways it is journal-like because the topics I write about tend to be the ones I’m dealing with at the moment. My intent is to make you better, dear reader. So if I go on too much about myself please tell me in the kindest way possible.

This is where I should promise to write more often and get back to my regular daily posting schedule. The problem is many bloggers will do that and then not post. So here’s to the spirit of posting regularly, and let’s see that it happens!

If Your Child Gets Lost, Have a Fresh Photo Ready

mwilson — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 10:00:03 +0000

Today’s tip at Parent Hacks is so brilliant I had to post it here: take a digital picture of the kids before entering an amusement park in case they get lost. Not only is this a great way to generate photographic proof of your adventures, but it could literally save your child’s life. If you and your child were to get separated, the digital photograph beats a plain descripting of your child: the hair colour, eyes, height and even today’s clothes would leave no room for doubt when enlisting help to search for wandering tots.

The chances of actually losing your child are very slim – most of the time children are drawn to flashy or noisy distractions like mall fountains or those ride-on trains. As my own little one starts to take his first steps I can only look forward to the stress that is bound to be heading my way…