To Nap or Not to Nap With my Child?

In the past year I noticed several articles written in newspapers, magazines and parenting books that urge mothers not to sleep with their babies. I remember the nights Dad worked and mom would gather all three of the kids into her bed and we would all fall asleep. I agree with the article in respect of not sleeping with your newborn because there has been studies that prove there are multiple deaths a year from exhausted new parents rolling onto there baby or crushing them with there arm and enabling the baby to breath.

I think that because of the availability of bassinets and co sleepers there isn’t a need to take the risk of rolling onto your child. But I like many mothers am guilty of falling asleep with the baby. The first time I fell asleep with my son he was about 2 weeks old. I was tired had a hard delivery and just needed to cuddle him it was the afternoon and instead of asking my husband to come and put him in his bassinet I held him while I slept. In my defense, I knew my husband was checking on me every 5 minutes or so, so I didn’t sleep with him long.

The next time I fell asleep with him he was about 2 months old and that is when afternoon naps became my time to cuddle and comfort the baby to sleep. My mother keeps telling me that I should break the habit now because he will get used to napping with me and I will have trouble breaking that pattern, but I think it’s important to stop and enjoy having a baby and cuddling them to sleep even if it is their afternoon nap. Some mothers rock their children to sleep and then put them in their beds but I prefer to put them to sleep in bed and watch them wake up and open their beautiful eyes so I can see the security they feel when they realize you are still there holding and cuddling them.

I am a very deep sleeper to the point of fault: when we lived in an apartment building I would sleep through the fire alarm. Knowing my sleeping pattern, I would never sleep with the baby all night and I would never sleep with him when I was extremely overtired (excepting of course that above-mentioned lapse when my husband was being mindful of us). They grow so fast that you do what you can because when they get old enough they won’t want to be held and cuddled as much.

I think napping comforts me just as much as it comforts the baby. Knowing that he needs me is wonderful and it is important for him to know that every once in a while mommy needs to be cuddled too. I appreciated all the information that the articles provided for me; but, as the old saying goes Mommy knows what’s best for her and her baby.

Fathers Can Handle the Stress of Providing

When you become a father, your life is profoundly changed. It isn’t an earth-shattering force that hits you like a train; it is a slowly evolving experience that takes years to fully comprehend. Until you are a father yourself, it is hard to fully appreciate the powerful pride you feel when your child recognizes you for the first time, perks up and laughs when you walk into the room, or mimics your motions to teach himself how to crawl.

The dad experience has a heavy cost associated with it, as well. Although many families are headed by two working parents, very often the woman finds herself in the mommy trap – bumped from the corporate ladder due to family commitments or a reduction in working hours. Some mothers feel strongly about staying home to raise their child and don’t return to work. For those families, the father finds himself becoming the primary or even sole provider.

Especially in rough economic times, the pressure to bring home enough money to feed, clothe and shelter an entire family can seem like a heavy burden to bear. As a father, how do you handle the stress and keep an optimistic front?

You’re In This Together
The first thing to remember is that you are not alone, even if you feel isolated by your responsibility. Mothers experience similar issues: imagine being alone with a newborn all day. Not only is she responsible to care for this little life, but at every moment she has to guess what the baby needs, wants, or is hurt by since the baby cannot tell her what is wrong. She has to learn when the baby is crying for food or crying in pain. If she is home all day while you are at work, she has to learn to fend for herself and get used to her radically different, more isolated life – you get to remain surrounded by the same people as before during the day and only have adjust to a new home life.

We Always Get Better
As time goes on you will become more comfortable in your role as a father and provider. You will make more money. If you hit a rough spot and lose your job, you will find another. Humans, by their very nature, find ways of improving things as life goes on.

You Are Needed
You are not required to be invincible or a mountain of strength, but you are a pillar in your family. Even more than what you can provide, your family needs and wants you in their lives. You don’t need to have all the answers, you just need to have a place in your heart for them.

Scream Your Way to Exhaustion or Soothe Yourself to Sleep

After the baby had slept in his bassinet beside his mommy’s bed for the first four months of his life, my husband and I decided that it was time the baby moved into his own crib. At this point he was too long for the bassinet and had no room to move; I was having scary “what if” thoughts of him pushing his face against the side of the bassinet smothering himself. You could say the move was for baby’s comfort as much as for mom’s sanity.

After going to our weekly playgroup and talking to the moms there, the consensus I generally found was to put him in his crib and let him cry until he falls asleep; after a few days he will get into a routine and stop crying. The first night I took their advice and he cried and cried and cried until he was so exhausted that he did eventually pass out, but the next night I couldn’t do it. I was stressed, we were both miserable, and we were both crying. After doing a lot of research on the internet (I’ve never researched so much since getting pregnant) a lot of sites and books warn people not to let your child cry because he or she will stand a higher chance of SIDS. Rather than just exhausting themselves and giving up, some children have been found to actually stop breathing when constantly left on their own to “cry it out”.

I tried to think the way my child would. I put myself in his place and wondered what would comfort and relax me. We all know that when we go to the spa the one thing that relaxes us is the peaceful music. I tried listening to his Winnie the Pooh mobile but realized its song would actually get him more excited and ready to play rather than soothe and put him to sleep.

Finally I remembered the Ocean Wonders aquarium toy I had bought from my cousin when I was pregnant. What a life saver! It has a soothing light so the child isn’t in complete darkness and alone and it plays a variety of songs and nature sounds. If the song ends and your child is still awake you have a remote that can start the music again or he can push a button and make it go himself.  Well, that did it and that night he slept peacefully without exhausting himself and without me standing in the hallway crying along with him. He just played with the aquarium and ever so gently went to sleep.

How to Soothe Your Crying Baby

When baby cries, everything can seem to stand still for mom and dad. The detective work starts – is the baby hungry? Are they hurt? Have they wet themselves? Sometimes babies cry just because they enjoy hearing themselves.

How can we know when something is truly wrong with our baby? I hate to say it, but as parents sometimes we just know. Often, however, we don’t. However, there are a number of things we can do to try to determine the severity of our children’s condition without the need for outside help.

1. Change the Baby’s Diaper
Very often children complain of even the slightest wetness. We certainly don’t want to sit around in wet clothes and they don’t either. Some children love to urinate shortly after being changed – so even if the baby has just been put in a new diaper, check to make sure they are still dry.

2. Offer Food
Has time elapsed since the last feeding? It is very important to measure time intervals between feedings to ensure baby gets enough needed nutrients to grow.

Not yet feeding time? Children who are experiencing growth spurts came feed as frequently as every 1-2 hours. If this is the case the child will certainly get hungry and fussy.

3. Sooth the Baby
Most babies react well to a soothing womb-like environment. Take the baby in your arms and make ’shh-shh’ noises. This could be enough to pacify them.

4. Bundle Up Baby
Much like elderly adults, babies require more layers in order to keep warm. Our rule of thumb is baby wears 1 more layer of clothing than mom and dad. The crying baby may be cold in an otherwise warm room.

5. Try Putting Baby to Sleep
Babies set their sleeping routine and can generally be trusted to sleep (or to not sleep) at specific times. If there have been a lot of car rides or other disruptions in routine, the baby may be feeling over-tired. 3-5 minutes in the crib or bassinet should determine this – a tired baby will usually soothe themselves to sleep in this amount of time. Be careful not to let them “cry it out” – if it takes longer than a few minutes the baby may not be tired enough to sleep, or they may have an entirely different problem.

6. Our Condolences for Parents of Colicky Babies
Some babies suffer from colic – a condition that results from excessive gas causing severe abdominal pain in otherwise healthy infants. About 20% of babies are reported to be colicky; this is torture for both parent and baby. There are many folk remedies such as peppermint, placing the baby in a swing, feeding only warm milk, etc; however, colicky babies eventually grow out of this phase, normally by the 20th week. Hang in there!

7. Check for Rashes or Skin Irritations
Sometimes the crying baby is having an allergic reaction to something in her environment. Check your baby for any tell-tale skin rashes or marks that could be indicative of a deeper problem.

8. Take the Baby for a Car Ride
The vibration in the back seat of the car can put the baby to sleep. The rising cost of gas gives some parents pause to try this – putting the baby in their car seat on top of a washing machine can have a similar effect, just make sure to keep a hand on the seat at all times to prevent the baby from falling to the floor.

9. Take a Break
A baby that won’t stop crying can be frustrating – but it is critically important that parents keep their cool and never shake their crying baby. If someone feels like they are being pushed to the breaking point by baby’s crying, have them put down the baby and go to another room or just outside for a few minutes. The baby may not stop crying, but the adult will be better able to handle the situation.

10. Let Them Cry
Sometimes there is nothing wrong and babies just want to cry. There are many reasons for this – for example the baby may be comforted by the sound of their voice. Especially in newborns, crying clears and exercises the lungs and is essential to normal development. Remember that the goal is not to stop the baby’s crying (although we might wish they did!), but rather to provide for the baby’s needs.

11. Ask for Help
If you are fortunate enough to have relatives nearby or public resources, ask them for suggestions. They may have more ideas that are not on the list, or someone may have encountered the same situation before and will know what to do. If totally unsure, seek medical advice – it doesn’t hurt to be too careful with baby’s health and safety.

Avoiding Parental Tunnel Vision

Remember that kid back in grade school whose parents made them bring their little sister every time they came out to play?  The big kids would have to accommodate the sister who wasn’t able to ride her bike as quickly or play the same sports.  What happened to that kid?  Eventually we stopped playing with them.  Yes, looking back we can see how cruel it was, but when you are in the thick of it you don’t want to carry around someone else’s baggage.

The so call “parental tunnel vision” is the grown up equivalent of the tag-along sibling.  As parents there is a tendency to focus our entire world onto our children, so when we talk to other people all we can think to discuss is our child’s recent dinner table disaster, their successes and failures in the walking arena, and their babbling sounds.  For our grown-up friends, especially those without children, child’s developmental milestones are not as much of a paradigm shift as they are for us.  If we dominate most of the conversation talking about baby stuff, our friends will end up bored, guaranteed.  If they start to see us as nothing more but an extension of our children (which we are, in a lot of ways) we will start to find ourselves excluded from “grown-up” activities – whether our kids come along or not!

So how do you function as a social adult when your world has been taken over by your children?  First, put yourself in your friends’ shoes.  If you were in their position would you want to be hearing about children all the time?  I don’t mean status updates and major milestones – would you want to spent hours talking about teething developments?  Or would you be thinking “Ok, your kid is normal.  Why are we talking about this?”

Naturally all bets are off when you’re talking to other parents, especially ones whose children are roughly the same age as yours.  Be careful! All those stories and comparisons can turn into a competition, so always be supportive and keep the conversation affirming and friendly.