It’s Easier to Raise Kids with Positivity

There’s been a big change in our household this month, and it is all thanks to a small change in the way we express ourselves. Rather than saying “Don’t throw your food”, we say “The food stays on the table”. Rather than “Don’t hit mommy”, we say “We keep our hands to ourselves”.

Not surprisingly, our son reacts more favorably when we take this approach. If there’s one thing a toddler doesn’t like to hear, it’s the word “NO”. When you tell your child they can’t do something, it’s up to them to figure out what they can do; a young child doesn’t have the capacity to figure that out on their own, so they are more likely to act out.

Telling our son what he can do has made all the difference in the world. When we say “We keep our hands to ourselves” he knows exactly what’s expected of him. “We sit on the couch” is much more understandable than “Don’t stand on the couch”. By including an acceptable action (sitting), we’re implicitly excluding actions we don’t want him doing (like jumping, dancing or standing).

Aside from our son’s improved behaviour, we’re finding the positivity floats into other areas of our lives with our langing shifting to phrases like “We should get something else” rather than “We can’t afford that”. Overall, it’s improved our moods and reactions to everything around us; the change has been extraordinary.

Next time you’re about to tell your child not to dump sand out of the sandbox, take a second to think about the way you’re expressing your wishes. You’re really asking is for your child to keep the sand inside the sandbox. Before long, this kind of thinking and the benefits it can bring will come naturally.

Transitioning A Toddler to a New Baby

If you have a young child at home and a new baby on the way, what can you do to ease the transition to a larger family?

We had this delima and decided on a few things we wanted to accomplish: First, don’t surprise the child with a new sibling – start talking about it as soon as possible; second, don’t move the child to a new room when the baby comes because it will confuse them and make them feel like they’ve lost their comfort zone; finally, make the child feel included in the new baby process so they (hopefully) aren’t resentful when you come home with your new bundle of joy.

Preparations

In our case, the first thing I did was clear out the room I had been using as my office and I painted it a deep relaxing blue for my son. We were moving him to the bigger room because his old room (the nursery) is attached to our own and we would definitely be needing it for the baby. This was done around the 5th month of the pregnancy, so Dylan was able to see changes starting in his mom and start to get to know his new room.

It took about two weeks to do the room since I had a number of repairs to make and wasn’t in a particular rush; it was a fun adventure for him to see the unfolding progress. Finally, I moved his crib and belongings over and let him take a nap in the crib. He was a little confused at first b ut because the situation was non-confrontational it ended up being quite relaxinbg for him.

Next I started on the nursery; tearing down the old decorations and painting it bright and girly. My son was more upset over these changes because it was starting to hit home that the older, smaller room was no longer his. At some point it hit home for him – the change was real.

Meanwhile my wife’s tummy was getting bigger and she was beginning to transition into carrying him less. That was a harder battle to fight because he began to sense that something big was happening and he wanted to be comforted; however, we knew she soon would be physically unable to spend time carrying him – it turned out to be a good decision in the end.

The Delivery

When it was finally time for the new baby to arrive, I had my mother come down and watch my son so we could focus our energy on the labour and know that Dylan was safe. My wife’s parents would also have been more than happy to take him for us, but it was important to us that he remain home in his comfortable environment. We’re very fortunate to have such a close and supportive family.

Four hours after the baby was born, my mother brought Dylan to the hospital to he could meet his new sister. We’d been talking about her for so long, it was nice to see that he actually seemed to understand what he was looking at. It was a sweet family moment that I was happy we were able to share. Thanks Mom!

Aside from meeting his sister, we made sure to have a present ready for him so he would know he was still important to us. Overall it was a very smooth experience.

Settling In

It wasn’t all fun and games, of course. Once we brought the baby home there was an adjustment period. It was one thing to meet his sister in the hospital but Dylan wasn’t so pleased with the situation once there was a screaming baby sharing the house (and mom and dad) with him. Three days away from his parents took a toll and while he was very well behaved for my mother, he was generally inconsolable once we returned. Remember that he is only two years old – he was so happy to have us home but didn’t know how to control his emotions.

It’s been a few weeks now, and we’ve largely settled back to routine. Dylan has accepted Katrina as a permanent fixture of the house and treats her carefully and compassionately. When she cries, he seeks us to soothe her. When we feed her, he gently kisses her forehead. Adding a new member to the family is a major life event but it doesn’t have to be traumatic.

Baby Will Never Choose

Both child gates were closed; my wife behind one and I behind the other. I notice my son was standing between us so I say to him “Come over to Dad. Come to the one you love best.”

My son looks at me and smiles, then looks to his Mom. He raises his foot to take a step, then sets it down and looks at each of us again. Finally he yells “BAD!!!” as he turns and runs as far away as he can get from either of us.

My son doesn’t take sides.

The Second Pregnancy

The second pregnancy is a big step in your life as a parent as well as in the life of your first born. On one hand you are embarking on a familiar journey and have a sense of what you can expect, while on the other hand you have a new set of responsibilities to juggle as you make the transition and become a larger family.

Am I Missing Out on the Pregnancy?

It takes a lot of resources – both financial and time – to raise a child. With all those demands constantly pressing on your time you may feel like you’re “missing out” on the new pregnancy. Many second-time parents fear that they will not bond as strongly with the new baby because so much of their time is taken up.

Will I Love One Child More Than The Other?

Many parents fear they will not love the new baby as much as their older child, or that the older child will feel replaced or unwanted. The older child is starting to become more independent and needs less hands-on time, but will they feel completely shut out when there is a new infant taking all of tired mom’s energies?

Safe Transitions

The best way to proceed will of course depend on the temperament and age of your oldest child. You can explain to a five year old what is going on and involve them in planning and decorating for the new baby, but a two-year-old won’t have the same level of comprehension – they can tell “something” is changing, but need to be carefully handled so they don’t wake up one morning and lose their room, lose horseback-mommy, and have to learn all new routines.

Much like the first pregnancy, they key to a comfortable transition is beginning early. No one gets a right to complain – mother nature gives us nine months to get our things in order and prepare for the change in our lives. Second-time (and third-time and fourth-time) parents have an ace up their sleeve in that they already know what to expect when bringing home an infant.

Stop. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now go and enjoy this amazing time!

Online Walk of Shame

While writing The Parent’s Nook, I struggle to find balance between my desire to share the exciting things going on with my own child’s development, and the desire to keep the tone of the site somewhat neutral.

Certainly the main goal for this blog is to share with other parents some of the tricks I learn and discover as I go through this journey, but it’s sometimes difficult to know when I’ve focused the discussion too much on myself and my own thoughts (except, of course, for this particular entry).

This web site is certainly not a journal by any definition, but in some ways it is journal-like because the topics I write about tend to be the ones I’m dealing with at the moment. My intent is to make you better, dear reader. So if I go on too much about myself please tell me in the kindest way possible.

This is where I should promise to write more often and get back to my regular daily posting schedule. The problem is many bloggers will do that and then not post. So here’s to the spirit of posting regularly, and let’s see that it happens!